Monday, June 7, 2010

How to become a blogger

In response to a Certain Comment, I have decided that it would probably be prudent to go ahead and outline the steps one must take if you really want to become our next blogger. It's quite simple really, just a straightforward 5 step process with very minimal effort or repercussions involved.

Step One
To begin your application process, first you must contact our recruitment representative at Aperture Laboratories. To do this, simply create a letter addressed to: with the subject "I would like to apply", inside of this message be sure to include the following info:

  • Pain Tolerance levels
  • Willingness to accept cybernetic limbs
  • How much you love cake
  • If you are paranoid, schizophrenic, mentally retarded, or a Sarlo 
  • And whether or not you dislike being exposed to lethal amounts of Gamma radiation 

    Finally, be sure to sign the message: "I hereby willingly apply as a fully qualified test subject and accept the terms of Aperture Science's terms of employment"

    When you are done this step, and you receive a response, please move on to step two:

    Step Two
    Congratulations! You have just proven that you are capable of defeating an evil robotic overmind! I would like to inform you that she is, very much, still alive.
    Now that the preliminary test is done with, we can start the application process proper!
    In order to be a successful blogger, you must above all prove your consistency in getting things done. We have devised a small and fairly simple test in order to determine this attribute. You may do one of three things:

    1. Name one of Dan John's hairs each day (keeping track of which is named and which is unnamed)
    2. Make Sam get a Facebook account. (THAT takes some time!)
    3. Count to Infinity Pi times!

      Step Three
      In this step of the application process, you must prove that you are both creative and resourceful enough to write a blog article. You may do this by the following:

      First you must venture through both time and space (This is, of course, a prerequisite to even thinking of applying) and collect the following artifacts:

      1. Abraham Lincoln's Axe
      2. A Crystal Skull, The Holy Grail, The Ark of the Covenant, All five Sankara stones, and the Fedora of the one who also seeks these items.
      3. 4 dozen Trogdor scales
      4. That one Pokemon card I lost in 3rd grade... I really want it back!
      5. The Mustache of Otto Von Bismark (As well as his pointy hat, just for laughs)

        Finally, as proof of your creative ability, you must combine these objects into a delicious soup! And then feed it to Ben.

        Step Four
        This is perhaps the most important step of all! You must prove to us your mastery of the English language by writing an essay on Monty Python and the Holy Grail... BUT! You may not use Nouns! and Adjectives are highly discouraged.
        Finally, when you are done with this menial task, we ask that you then make a video documentary of it featuring the Ninja Turtles, a Scottish narrator, and Sylvester Stallone.

        Step Five
        Congratulations! You're now a Bona-fide applicant to this blog. We ask that you wait patiently for one of our Angry Gnome Robots to return and go through your paperwork. You will hopefully receive a tentative response within 4-5 months, and may or may not have additional fees to pay.

        Thankyou for your interest, and have a great day!


        1. I "Pure Awesomed" this 100%! And since I loved it so much I made a new page for it!

        2. Ahaha...I voted "Pure Awesome" also. Very clever! I attempted to write that essay about Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I worked on it until about 3 in the morning. It's extremely difficult, I got absolutely no where. I have a list of verbs that can somewhat relate to the movie - but not really. I'm on my way right now to do Step One. And I've named one of Dan's hairs: Anita Potty.

        3. Hahaha... Well Kudos for trying! And be sure to post that documentary when you get that far.

        4. Mike, you forgot the blood letting process. Here's your rusty razor and a small bucket. We need a court.