Friday, June 11, 2010

I return Triumphant from The Canadalands

Colleagues and friends! It is very good to be back among you!

I must submit my utmost and sincere apologies for my extended leave of absence. For it was not out of a lack of interest in this fine blog that my hand was forced into inactivity. No, rather it was that most foul of contraptions from the most foul of opponents which prevented me from maintaining my regular posting.

No dear friend, it was not vampires nor even zombies. My opponent was an evil far greater than either of those.
My opponent was Canada.

I had recently discovered the existence of the vile nation state... It appears to my eyes almost as if we Americans have not yet finished driving the British out of our God given continent! How could this be after so many scores of years?

Seizing upon this opportunity to right the wrong that circumstance has imposed on this world, I, your former president, made my way to the pathetic country and began by issuing a challenge to meet their entire standing army on the field of battle.
I was surprised... And somewhat confused to learn that Canada has no standing army.

Realizing then, that a military conquest would be impossible (For how can a man conquer a nation if there is nothing to fight in the country!) I decided upon a change in stratagem.

I, Abraham Lincoln, would conquer Canada by destroying their culture.

I began by finding the nearest building of cultural significance, which was a small establishment with the quaint title of "Tim Horton's". And I entered the building first to try and understand what made this seemingly simple store significant at all. On the advice of one of the locals (No doubt a loyalist redcoat) I tried one of their coffees.

I... Do not remember much after that. I later came to understand that Canada controls its populace by means of addiction to the coffee sold at Tim Horton's. Only God knows what I did when I was under that influence.

And here I am, currently debating my next move.
I would very much appreciate the advice of any single one of my fellow American patriots here at the blog. And Thank God that each of you are just that! I cannot fathom what this website would be like if you were Canadian

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