Friday, August 6, 2010

The Top 10 Worst things to come out of Video Gaming

10: Slippy Toad
Slippy... Never has anything so green illicited so much frustration from so many. You'll know exactly what I mean if any of these phrases ring a bell:
"Fox! Get this guy off me!"
"This is really starting to tick me off."
"Oh no!"
He's just one of those characters that you learn to hate so much that you often actively want the villains to kill him off just so that you at least get a single mission with peace and quiet. Seriously, Go back to talking about your social insecurities with Tails and Squall or something. We don't want you here.

9: Navi

This is what our blog would look like if Navi was a blogger:
"HEY! LISTEN! Are you looking this way? Hey look over here! It's a poll! Hey! You remember Saria? Maybe you should talk to her. Look! Are you paying attention to me yet? Hey! Did I mention you should talk to Saria? LISTEN!"

8: Button Mashers
I think you all know the feeling. You're playing the game that you've been practicing for months, a friend of yours comes over and picks up the controller for the first time. You begin the match and promise to take it easy on him. He starts hitting the buttons furiously, sometimes even using his skull to hit more buttons at the same time. And all of a sudden you realize: "Hey... I'm losing!" You stop giving him a chance right off and work as hard as you can to defeat this flurry of button pushing, but alas, it is not enough. You lose. You're friend then starts spinning on the floor in a Homer Simpson style victory dance. You excuse yourself to the washroom and vomit away your feeling of injustice.

7: Xbox Live
Here's an actual transcript of the meeting between Microsoft Developers as they planned Xbox Live:
"Obese Developer: '... And that gentleman, is Xbox Live in a nutshell.'
Rational Developer:  'Soo, let me get this straight... You want to charge users for an online service that would be free on any other platform, charge them again for every little thing they buy, keep them addicted by adding easy to develop achievements in every game, AND make sure that they still cant ever get into a decent match online?"
Grubby Developer: 'I do like the sound of that!'
Obese Developer: 'Rational Developer, your fired. You know we have rules against being just'"

6: Farmville
If you don't have this blocked on facebook, your a bad person.
If, heaven forbid, you actually TRIED IT, you are a horrible person
If you ACTUALLY PLAY IT. Well then, consider your blog reading privileges suspended as I no longer even consider you human.

No I don't have any rational reason for hating this. I just do. Now go away.

5: Cloud Strife

Wait, Cloud Strife? The monumental character that made Final Fantasy 7 such a smash hit? The secret fantasy love interest of every Female Japanifile that ever existed? Why is he on this list?
Well it's simple really... In my humble opinion, he helped invent the whole "emo" style of people. Suddenly there was an ultra-popular character out there who, instead of showing massive strength of character when faced with a problem, would more then likely turn, run, cry, and moan about his problems for the next 6 hours of gameplay. Suddenly it was cool to be a weak-willed everyman with no strength of mind.
Well you know what? Cloud had a MASSIVE SWORD THAT WAS BIGGER THAN HE WAS.
Tell me Emo-person, Do you have one of those? No? Well then I guess you cant be like Cloud! Now stop whining about that girl who accidentally looked at you or whatever.

4: Kingdom Hearts
This is really unfair of me... Because in all honesty, Kingdom Hearts is an amazing game. It plays out really well and it has an amazing amount of depth, quality, and reasons to keep playing... But...
It's neat and all to see Jack Sparrow, Cloud, Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Axle and any other number of other crossovers all in the same game... But I still can't figure out which is more childish: The ridiculous anime peoples of Final Fantasy, or the classic children icons of Disney? The storyline manages to combine the worst parts of both.
I didn't really enjoy going from the singing and dancing of The Little Mermaids's Atlantica to the nonsensical storyline involving peoples hearts, alternate realities, and any number of Japanese cliches.

Just please give me an option to NOT play as a character with the mental capacity of a 5 year old and I'll be fine.

3: Superman 64

2: Mike Daoust
Better to not have gaming then to have this guy lurking around somewhere.

1: Super Mario Bros the Movie

I hesitate to put this as number 1 because it's so downright terrible that it has to be one of the funniest things you could ever hope to watch. Honestly, I really never wanted to imagine Mario being some New-York plumber who discovers a secret cave that leads to a land of dinosaur people. I REALLY didn't want to see Goombas as some kind of wierd cut-out alien that probably would look cheesy in the original series Star Trek, and above all, I did NOT want to see Mario rationalized and explained away in what is possibly one of the worst movies ever to air in a public theater.If nothing else, it's proof that Hollywood has no quality standards.
Do not watch if you value your eyes, for they will surely bleed.

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