Sunday, December 19, 2010


Guy's! I'm demanding at least the next 0.3 minutes of your attention!
I woke up this morning (Horridly early I might add... Who's bright idea was it to make early church services a tradition?) and realized that I pretty much had the most awesome dream ever. Or maybe the second most awesome. There was no Chuck Norris in it.

But let me take the next few moments to retell it! I'll embellish it a bit for the sake of story telling and keeping your sanity intact, but this is pretty much how it happened if it was written in Novel form

My earliest memory finds me somewhere in a desert country, wastelands and desert is about all that I can see around me with the exception of a massive building that looks suspiciously like the Burwash Prison. I'm with a group of people... A para-military unit of some kind, and i'm talking to their leader, who is Ben Davey... Except wearing middle eastern garb and with a giant unkempt beard (Ben, you don't look good with a giant unkempt beard. Just sayin.) While we were talking however, armed guards on Camels rode up and took all of us Prisoner!
Next thing I know, I'm in a giant open court, with Armed guards blocking the only way out, and my younger brother right beside me... All around me are weird idols and symbols... At this point I realize that the worst case scenario has happened. i've been captured by a cult. (Probably a Camel Cult. I hate those guys.) I know that I need to escape before they get around to torturing me, dissolving me, converting me into their ranks or something horrific like that. So of course I forget about my younger brother, and plan my escape.
First, I climb up on top of a sign hanging by a doorway, and wait for a guard to pass by. Which happened instantly, thankfully. And since, in my dreams, I am obviously as strong and skilled as Batman, I pull the guard up to the ledge beside me, and change into his Uniform. Why I stood on top of a sign and changed into a guards uniform in broad daylight in public is beyond me, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Carefully now, I approach the exit dressed as a cultist. As expected, when I approached the door the nearby guards demanded to know where I was going.
"Let me pass! I have urgent matters to attend to outside".
The guards, obviously idiots, as all guards are, are perplexed, and go to get their superior to sort out the situation.
And so the person that manages the underground, Angela I think her name was? Comes out, and demands to know why I left my post.
Thinking quick, I start crying.
"I can't believe what just happened!" I say, distraught, "I was standing right beside him... And he just pulls out his gun and shoots himself right there.", I then break into sobbing.
"His family asked me to bring him the news" (Does that make sense to anybody else?)
Angela-Officer-Cultist-Person then asks if I have my ID
I take a gamble and respond: "You know they don't let us keep our ID after a raid"
This seems to satisfy the nearby guards, but Angela then asks me... "I suppose you'll be missing todays Intermural sports?"
"Sadly yes" I reply.
But it was all a trap! i realize right then that there cant be intermural sports at a Cultist prison! They tricked me into identifying myself! Thinking fast like the true Batman-Wannabee that I am in my dreams, I dash into a nearby hallway, with them in hot pursuit. I run from hall to hall, but cant find any obvious exit... Finally, I get a moment where it looks like I lost them, and so I duck into a room beside me...
But it turns out that the room is full of 4 guards!
"Don't make a Sound or I'll kill all 4 of you right now" I say, kinda bluntly.
Guards are such pushovers. It worked, but my pursuers were right behind me. And so with no choice left, I run to the nearby window and jump out, shattering the glass pane and realizing only at the last moment that I had somehow ended up about 6 stories up.
But! Rather then turning into one of those awful falling nightmares, Time slows down, and I reach up to grab a overhanging sign (Those things are always there when you need them!), Spin around to the nearby wall, and slide down the side of the building, jumping off the side at the last second in order to break my fall.

If I had to breathe in my dreams, I would probably be catching my breath right now. Finally, I turn back, look at the Cultist prison of Burwash, and think to myself, as my dream ends and I wake up "Man i'm awesome."

Regrettably, I was devoured by angry children when I awoke. I am typing this through a passing astral traveller's body. I think he's Mexican.


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